The Top 10 Relationship Tips I Got Out of a John Gray Talk

1) When men are moody, their estrogen tends to be going up. When men are confident and give women what they need, their testosterone rises. Becoming successful increases a man’s testosterone but the more successful he is, the bigger the crash when the woman causes his  estrogen to rise when she’s upset.

2) When a woman is stressed, her blood flow goes to the limbic system and she has 8 times the emotional reaction than men to moderate stress. When men get stressed, their blood leaves the limbic system and they get detached.

3) When a woman is stressed she  needs empathy and a  detached man cannot feel empathy. He  feels like he doesn’t know what to do and then  loses confidence, which causes his testosterone to turn into estrogen.

4) When a man does nothing, or watches sports, it rebuilds his testosterone. He gives advice because solving problems is a testosterone thing. But giving advice to women when they’re upset is never going to work.

5) A woman lowers her stress level by talking. Trying to talk a woman out of her feelings is like pouring gasoline on a fire. A man should say, “Help me understand you better” and “Tell me more”  and not  explain to her why she’s wrong.

6) A man’s thinking is never do anything you don’t have to do. He conserves energy for emergencies.

7) A woman’s thinking is that the man should be a mind reader; instead she has to ask him for things.

8) A woman’s entire desire is to feel safe; a man’s job isn’t to make her happy but to make her feel safe. If he doesn’t, she blames him and then man loses confidence, which triggers his fight or flight and activates his mirror cells so he becomes angry.

9) When a woman feels heard, it raises her oxytocin. Every act of love, big or little, registers the same for a woman; if you get her 1 gardenia or 100 gardenias, she’s going to have the same hormonal response—a 6 second surge of oxytocin—so men are better off doing small romantic gestures all the time instead of occasional big ones.

10) A woman’s  oxytocin has to be replenished again and again. Hugging triggers oxytocin. Looking for her when you’re somewhere and have lost each other triggers her oxytocin.

If I’m supposed to feel offended  by the generalization of women as hysterical or overreactive, I don’t. All I feel is that every bit of this rings true so I’m incredibly grateful for the information (as was my boyfriend, when I emailed him these notes; the poor man has certainly earned  a cheat sheet to handling me).

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